Sunday, April 27, 2014

Step out from your comfort zone!

As mentioned in my last post, I will explain the reason why I can foresee my future in the UK next year.
It's not a rocket science to guess actually, my English is so poor that they can't even understand what am I trying to say.
Yet, complaining doesn't help anything.
And thus, this is the reason why I start blogging in English :D

I know there must be a lot of grammar mistake made and sometimes you can't even get what I trying to express, but it doesn't matter.
As long as I keep trying and keep practicing, all these will not be a problem in no time.
Making mistakes now is better than making mistakes in the future. Isn't it true?
I hope you can witness my progress and my growth.
Slow progress is better than none :)

Still, I will start speaking English with my college mates from now which I should've done last year.
But it is always not too late to start, as the saying goes, "The best time to start is yesterday, and the next best time to start is NOW!"

Why will I suddenly change my attitude as to so determine to improve my English?
This has to trace back to the conversation that we had on last Friday.

Along the way we took ktm from Sentul to Subang Jaya (as we are going to the Church located at Subang), I 'attended' a 'lecture' which I prefer to name it as 'Step Out From Your Comfort Zone' lecture (It sounds weird right..?)
The one who is giving the so-called speech not others but one of my close friends.
He talked to me for like 30 minutes in English and I can't even speak a word.
Not because he didn't give me the chance to speak, but because I can't even speak out a single word!
There is an upsurge of emotion in my heart.
(In case you get me wrong, here is what I want to say:
他的话给我的冲击让我感觉心情很澎湃,有种几乎窒息的感觉,像是浪潮不断地冲向在海中央的船只,
船只知道浪潮是要把它推向岸的,却又因为风浪太大而几乎被浪潮淹没。
所幸的是,浪潮稍稍平复,船只也稳了稳船身,最终平安到岸,
而那已经是30分钟后的事了)
Okay.. Do you get what I mean now? Or even more complicated? If so, I'm sorry ><

30 minutes later, I start talking or rather, mumbling......in English...
I felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable which he also knew about that, but he didn't know that I wanted to cry at that moment!
I want to find mama, I want to hug someone, I want to run away from there.
Lol... See... What a loser am I......

BUT!
I didn't give up!
In spite of all these thoughts, I calm myself down, and start speaking out my feelings.
I admit, yes, I feel so uncomfortable owing to the fact that we used to speak in mandarin for the past 12 months.
He kept encouraging me to continue to speak out my thoughts.
Even though my English is so poor and at times NOT even understandable, he didn't laugh at me or make fun on me, being so patient to listen to me instead.

I truly appreciate what he did for me.
As a friend, he had done his part, and the following effort is solely depend on me, either to change or remain the same.
He said if I wish to, we can speak in mandarin and this conversation will be considered as if we never had before.
I said, no.
Let's continue speaking English, and I will try to adapt to it.

In fact, he has no obligation to do all these, i.e. to 'force' me to speak in English (as his English is already pretty good) and give a 30 minutes 'lecture', but he did make an effort to do all these.
Hence, I can't think of any reason why don't I change for myself.
If you do not help yourself, who else can help you?

I was inspired by him, and thus, I change.

After we talk for awhile, I felt much more comfortable to talk with him in English.
One must always bear in mind that, the time you feel uncomfortable is where the changes begin!
I'm so happy that I did make an effort to change for myself and for my better future!
He is indeed a good friend and a true friend. I appreciate it a lot.
All I can say is thank you very much and I will prove it with my action :)


"Real friends treat you as family.
They are the family we choose for ourselves."

The first time I go to Church

I must write something regarding last Friday!
What a special experience for me!

I went to church, in Subang Jaya, for the very first time in my life.
It's totally different from what I thought it was.
The service that night is organised by "Strictly Students"
There are bands who rap, sing and dance.
After that we are separated into different groups according what campus we are from.
The campus leader lead us to comprehend "1 Samuel 3"

There are some values we can learn from Samuel:
- Always be prepared to answer to the God -
What I think is, not only always be prepared to answer to the god, but the opportunity.
The illustration is as below
蔡康永曾经说过:
15岁的时候觉得游泳难,放弃游泳,
到18岁的时候遇到一个你喜欢的人约你去游泳,你只好说“我不会耶”;
18岁的时候觉得英文难,放弃英文,
28岁的时候出现一个很棒但要会英文的工作,你只好说“我不会耶”
人生前期越嫌麻烦,越懒得学,
后来就越可能错过让你动心的人和事,错过新风景。


- Obedience -
I have been done this very well throughout these 19 years.
Obey to my parents, teachers, elders etc.
Somehow I feel like a robot, but not a human being.
I do whatever my parents want me to do, even though I don't feel like doing.
Maybe I just take 'parents' as an excuse, in fact I am the only one who restrains myself in every aspects ?

-The right time-
The God will give us some signs to do something when it is right to do so.
However, I just can't get the hint sometimes.
When is the right time? When will this happens? When will that begins? Who knows?
I always put my faith in time. I believe that time will tell everything.
Just go with the flow and don't rush for things. Thing will fall in its place one day.
Everything which is worth having is worth waiting :)

All I can get are as mentioned.
Now, I'm going to talk about the people I met in the church!

I met a girl who named Bea.
She is a Phillipino(but looks like an European), was brought up in Dubai, and is studying in Malaysia now.
She is just at the age of 18 and she studies abroad!
If I would to say I'm so independent because I live alone, HOW ABOUT HER?
I'm just so admire her!
And after she telling me her ambition, I even much more admire her!
She is taking the subject called 'social science and xxx' (I'm sorry, I forgot the name..).
She wants to fight for human rights, especially for woman, and become a member of NGO in the future.
She asked me which type of lawyer I want to be?
Her question just reduced me to silence..
She said, "We must always think about what we want to be and where we want to stand 10 years later. So that we can work hard towards that direction. The vision has to be very clear." (Her English is impeccable! This sentence is interpreted by me and I apologise for the grammar mistake made.)
She is so much mature than her peers.
I love this kind of girl pretty much, and I wish to be like her one day!
Confidence, nice, sweet, true, have the courages to pursue her dreams.......
Oh ya! I forgot to mention.. Her accent is EXCELLENCE!
I hardly understand what she said for the first time, and too, she can hardly understand what am I talking about. Keep 'pardon' 'pardon'... Lol..
I can foresee my future in the UK next year! (I will explain this in details in my following post)

Another guy which is worth noting is a guy who came from America.
The way he flirts...omg.. Okay, that's not the point..haha
No room for doubt, his accent is impeccable too!
I love listening to what he said, not because he flirts, but his accent makes me feel so comfortable and I enjoyed listening to whatever he said, though I roughly get it..... ><

All the people I met that night are so friendly.
I truly enjoy myself !
I smile non-stop for 5 hours until my face cramps. Can you imagine how happy am I ?
Thank you Sharon (my college friends) for inviting me, though my mum doesn't like it much...
This is my first time and sadly, perhaps it's the last time too  :(

Here come the pics that we took last night.
I look so happy in these pictures :D

Group photo 1 (We're not ready yet!)

Group photo 2 (1, 2, 3! Picha!)

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

男女之间其实不只有......

[Read it from Faceboook, and I couldn't agree more.]

“男女之間,其實不只有愛情……
有種友情,是只可會意不可言傳的。
彼此之間有種惺惺相惜的感覺,
不必害怕別人的誤會,
因為彼此心中坦蕩。

很喜歡這種“兄弟”之稱的友誼,
這種朋友有種信賴的安全感,
可以肆無忌憚的說笑,
天馬行空的胡扯,
彼此之間沒有包袱,
但有種珍惜,
是對友誼的珍惜。

有種朋友即使很久沒見也不會生疏,
相見時的相視一笑,
便會有種心有靈犀的感覺。

和他(她)在一起時,
不必擔心會背叛你,
因為他只會給你默默地支持,
即使你受傷了,
他也會給你做堅強的後盾。
心情不好時,
他(她)會裝傻逗你笑,
生病時,
他(她)會叮囑你要小心什麽,
每逢特別節日時,
他(她)會發一條簡信祝福你。

很多人都希望有這種友誼,
但我想這種友誼也要講機緣吧。
友誼需要關心、諒解、信任。
我希望友誼地久天長。

我很珍惜我身邊的每一位朋友
謝謝你們對我的支持與愛護。”


Monday, April 21, 2014

我一直没有说

我一直没有说
其实这三个星期以来 我一直处于一个很低迷的状态
完全失去了方向
看电视剧 上网 睡觉 总共占据了我24小时里的20个小时
完全没有去过gym 每天只在家里做个3分钟的plank安慰自己

我一直没有说
这三个星期以来 我一直很辛苦 很不喜欢这样的自己
看着同学那么努力 赶完10份20份的assignments 我的心真的很过意不去
可是回到家却又周而复始的开始我那颓废的生活

很想有个人在身边鼓励我
想起以前在宿舍的日子
那些我们一起自修 一起努力 一起熬夜的日子
我就很想很想有你在身边一直一直的鼓励我
可是我知道 我们始终要长大
19岁 大学生 是独立的时候了
所以 我一直没有找你
企图想用自己的方式走出这个充满迷雾的生活状态
可是 我还是失败了

如此这般地过了三个星期后 契机终于到了
昨天帮郑玮慷庆祝生日的时候 章慧诗晚上也来meet我们
我告诉了她我这三个星期以来的感受
那些我一直没有说也不敢说的感受

不敢说的原因也许是害怕看见:“*Tsk tsk tsk* 郑亦柔,你怎么这样?(皱眉)”的表情
我不想被认为我很差劲 连自己都管理不好 如何做大事?
对 我还是太在意别人的看法了
曾经还以为我早已经放开 原来还没有

在下了很大很大的决心后
我终于对章慧诗说了埋藏在心中很久的苦闷
一口气就说了很多很多
真的没有后悔做了这项决定!
顿时松了一口很大很大的气!

我才发现
其实承认失败也没什么大不了
I'm only human.
And I bleed when I fall down.
I'm only human.
And I crash and I break down.
人谁无过?
知错能改方才重要

今天放学后决定去gym
但是下了一场很大很大的狂风暴雨
我坚持不冲凉 绑好头发 换好衣服 等待雨停
我知道一定会雨过天晴 就像我的心情

雨终于停了!
我飞似的冲出去
走到户外的时候 凉风拂面
我的脸上是笑着的!
真的很开心!
像是那场大雨赶走了所有的烟霾 :D

花了2个小时在gym
跑完步后练chest和shoulder
留了一身的汗 真爽!
好久好久没有这种感觉了!
"I am so regret for that workout!" -- said NO ONE EVER!!


其实很多时候
我们缺乏的只是开始那一步的勇气
所有的累和忙都是借口
忙就不吃饭了吗?
累就不呼吸了吗?
如果你把你应该做的事情当作是你维持生命的管道
很多事情是不是会变得更棒更好?

C'mon!
DO IT LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPEND ON IT!

加油!亦柔!


Friday, April 18, 2014

突然好怀念

突然好怀念中学的时光
那时候的我们过得那么地快乐 笑得多么地纯粹
然而五年的时光就这样悄悄的流逝了

那些合唱比赛还有那几乎忘记了的微笑比赛
那只有几个同学在忙而我们却穿梭在整个国字楼的大扫除
不眠不休筹备的教师节表演
开心乐龙龙圆舞台的狂欢
班级运动会
班旅
暗恋的甜酸苦辣

戏剧学会办的公演
身为课程组每个星期三的开场表演
那些永远永远也算不完的账还有跑不完的联课处

宿舍生才能体会的卡拉OK歌唱比赛
等待食堂aunty派红包的新年团圆饭
猜灯谜吃月饼去gap仔的中秋晚会
每年必须穿的很隆重却只是坐在暗暗的光前堂里喂蚊子的年终晚会
SPM时的彻夜长谈 还有一起筹备的BBQ
总是被投诉却依旧怡然自得的209
和室友做得多不胜数的傻事
还有那些一起熬的夜
我都好怀念好怀念.......

如今就只能一个人熬夜
一个人快乐
一个人伤悲

有很多转瞬即逝的喜悦来不及分享
有很多堵在心口的压抑无从宣泄

回过头才发现
原来我已经走了好远好远......

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Paradox



有时候在茫茫人海中会感觉莫名的孤单
大家说着笑着 我的魂却不晓得飘向何方
似个局外人 旁观着一切
人在 躯体在 心却空荡荡 可是又有谁明白?
所以会想要一个人
一个人多好
无拘无束

可是当我看见妈妈牵着她小孩的手
女孩依偎着爱他的男孩
一群年轻人开怀的大笑着时
我才发现
原来我想要一个人
但 我并不喜欢 一个人

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

爱要如何说出口

从去年年底开始 抑或是更早
总会突然在某个瞬间 看见你的时候 感觉特心酸
‘心酸’这个字是她先开始说的 倒说得真贴切

今天你回去的时候我又有这种感觉了
你疲惫 你苍老 却依然赶着夜车归家去
我的心揪着揪着
不久后看到她的post 我几乎流泪
你还是关心的

从什么时候开始演变成这样的局面我不晓得
也许真的已经回不去从前
已经没有任何挽救的地步了

从一开始的伤心落泪 到后来的反感不想理会
到现在的心酸流泪 究竟有谁能够体会?
在这过程中有过激烈的争执 有不堪入耳的话语
还有旁人极力的劝解
劝解?劝解还有用吗?
有用吗?

什么时候开始的?
怎样开始的?
谁先开始的?
谁是?谁非?
答案还重要吗?

如果他从来没有出现
如果那件事从来没有发生
会有现在这样的局面吗?

我不知道........

有时候我真的很想放弃
只顾自己就好了
其他的事要怎么发展就由得它去吧
但是我做不到
做不到不闻不问不听不说

尤其是最近看着那几幕心酸的画面
我心在揪着 只是他不知道

我才发现 其实我还是在乎的
然后他也是在乎的
或许她仍然在乎

只是 爱要如何说出口?